Parenting After Adoption

One topic that comes up among all members of the triad is who is the “real mother” for the child(ren) in question. Is she the woman who gave the child life? Is the woman who is there day to day to care for the child more real than the one who is not? Does a woman without contact with her child have a right to call herself his mother? Who is the real mom?

Everyone has their opinion. I have my opinion, and, yes, I’m going to share it with you.

In my opinion, we are all real mothers. Are any of us fake? No! We’re all human, and even mothers who have died are still real. We all have a presence in our children’s lives whether or not we are physical present every day.

In the first months after Lucas joined our family, I was jealous of his mother. Most of the jealousy came from guilt and not feeling entitled to be Lucas’ mom, but some came from plain old jealousy that he had another woman to love as his mother.

I do not feel that way anymore. I do still feel some guilt for taking Lucas away from Haiti and his family there, but that’s a subject for another day. I do feel entitled to be Lucas’ mother. His mother, the Haitian government, and the U.S. government all gave me permission to do parent him. But, in my opinion, entitlement to parent does not mean replacement of previous parents.

If a child can love both his parents, can it be assumed that he can love two mothers? Yes, he most certainly can! Children have room in their hearts for many people. This is evidenced by all the child who love their parents who gave them birth as well as those by marriage and adoption. And grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, etc. Just as their relationships are unique with each family member they love, their relationships with their mothers are unique as well.

I frequently tell Lucas that he is free to love us both. I will never ask him to choose between us therefore there is no need to feel loyal to one over another. We are both his moms, we both love him, and we are both trying to do what we feel is best for him right now. I don’t have all the answers, but I sure do try to help Lucas feel free to love us both. We are both real to him.

Copyright © 2008 Becky Wilson. All rights reserved.

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