Parenting After Adoption

Lucas has a younger sister by birth, whom I will call Lucy. Due to circumstances beyond our control–and believe me, we tried–they were referred to different families in different countries. As soon as we learned about Lucy, we requested contact with her adoptive family, which they happily accepted

Lucy went to her new home four and a half months before Lucas arrived here. Her mother kept us up-to-date with letters and photos. She even told me once that Lucy often asked about me. Once Lucas was home, I began sharing updates as well, and I assumed everything was going well.

Then one day all communication on their end stopped. Did I say something wrong? Was Lucy having a difficult time with the contact? Were they simply busy? I have no idea.

I know there was no contract legally binding them to keep in contact with us. Nor did they ever say, “I promise to . . .” However, it was implied and I assumed our relationship would be long-term.

Consequently, I feel betrayed and heartbroken–as does Lucas. He has not seen his sister in three years yet he continues to think of her every day, cherishes the few photos we have, and talks about their time together. He wants her to be a part of his life no matter how many miles are between them. We can only wonder how his sister might feel.

Just as any relationship has it’s great times and rough times, so does an open adoption relationship. For most, open adoption is a new kind of relationship so families are often navigating in uncharted territory. It can get confusing and uncomfortable, but do not lose sight of why you are working at the relationship: for the best interests of your child. For that reason, all parties need to work through their discomfort. You cannot give up simply because the relationship gets tough.

If you are a pre-adoptive parent at this reading and you just don’t see yourself reaching beyond your own discomfort to work at an open relationship with your child’s family of origin, do not agree to one.

If you already have your child home and you made promises, keep them. If you already broke them, find a way to make amends. It’s never too late.

I am sure there are some situations that truly warrant a break in the relationship. I’m speaking of circumstances where the child is safe and the lines of communication are open (or can be opened) between families.

For more information about open adoption:

Open Adoption @ Under One Roof

Open Adoption @ Adoption Blogs

Copyright © 2008 Becky Wilson. All Rights Reserved.