Parenting After Adoption

As an adoptive parent, I often find it difficult to distinguish normal childhood behavior from that of a difficulty with attachment or behavior resulting from fear or insecurity. During the earliest weeks and months after Lucas joined our family, it was easy to tell the difference. Not so much now that he has been with us for over two and a half years and has a wide range of normal or typical behavior of children his age.

So what is a parent to do? Do we assume all is well until there is a fall out? Do we assume negative behavior is a sign of deep psychological or emotional trauma? In my opinion, we should assume all is not well until we can prove otherwise.

I’m not suggesting that we analyze everything our children do and assume that our children are living in perpetual trauma mode. Not at all! What I am suggesting, however, is that we remain acutely aware that normal is not always normal and negative is not always abnormal. I have assumed at times that Lucas is not thinking of his past simply because he is having a great day and full of smiles. I have assumed at times that Lucas is “acting out” because of past trauma. I have been wrong—on both counts.

But I have also been dead on correct. Many times.

Memories are triggered in the blink of an eye. Anniversary dates happen each year. Children wonder about their past, about their ancestry. We rarely can predict when these moments will arrive.

So when Lucas is pushing the boundaries of my patience or insisting that I love one child more than another, he could be acting as any other 8-year-old boy who feels slighted or left out. Or, he could be acting as a child who was left in the care of his extended family then later in an orphanage from where two strangers absconded with him one day so that he could live in their family.

Lucas told me that a lot of the time he isn’t thinking about his past or the trauma he experienced, but he does think of it often. He has also told me that a part of his ability to press forward and enjoy the life he is living now is because we are not afraid to answer the hard questions and we validate that, yes, some of the things that happened in his life are unfair and truly stink.

Copyright © 2008 Becky Wilson. All Rights Reserved.

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