Parenting After Adoption

Though annoyed, I am usually tolerant of articles that use inappropriate references to adoption because the authors usually seem well-meaning albeit ignorant, but the adoption articles on this lawyer website are just plain negative. I learned of them here.

When I went to read them for myself, I was shocked and saddened by the author’s choice of words and apparent attitude regarding adoption, moving me point out the negative attitude these articles exemplify, especially given they are on a website representing attorneys involved in adoption.

Some of the titles are only the beginning: Typical Open Adoption and Putting Your Child Up for Adoption

There is no such thing as a “typical” open adoption, just as there is no “typical” adoptive family or “typical” birth mother. Each child, each parent, each family, each situation are all unique and every agreement for openness varies by degrees from wide open to occasional letters and photos. The experiences vary widely, too.

The phrase “putting up” for adoption makes it sound like children are placed on the auction block to the nearest bidder. The problem with that phrase and idea is that there are still people in the world who do believe that!

Now the content . . .

In reference to open adoption:

Obviously, having the adoptive parents spend time with the biological parents might be an uncomfortable ordeal for everyone.

Why is this obvious? Who says it’s an ordeal? A large majority of the people I have talked to about meeting the parents–adoptive or biological–of their child(ren) is that it was a wonderful experience. None consider it an ordeal or something to endure.

Though, to their credit, they do point out how important it is to abide by the contract–at least for the biological or birth parents.

This schedule and set of rules is very important to the biological parents who have agreed to the open adoption. By not getting pictures when expected or missing phone calls, it can be very emotionally stressful.

Unfortunately, they fail to mention the importance of the open relationship for the child who is effected by this agreement.

That particular article then ends with a statement that suggest that parents who want to continue contact with their child after he is adopted is only interfering.

It is much easier for adoptive parents to really feel the child is their own if there is minimal interference from the biological parents but sometimes it just isn’t an option.

A child is not a piece of property that we can own. A child is a person who needs a family and good, strong parents to care for her. Unfortunately, not every parent can do this so there is a necessity for other parents to step in to fill the position. But this does not mean the the first parents need to be completely excluded, and it is not confusing to the children involved.

“Just isn’t an option” What do they mean by that?! There is an option. If you believe that you cannot parent a child whose family wants continued contact after placement, don’t do it!

In reference to closed adoption:

This has some benefits to the adoptive parents that other adoption choices don’t have. There is no dealing with the biological family and very little chance of a difficult situation arising in the future.

Apparently the author has never adopted a child. Even in the case of a child adopted as a newborn, “difficult situations” can easily arise. Especially in a closed adoption where there is little or no information about the child’s family of origin. A lot is left up to speculation and imagination.

There are lots of services and counseling options that can help a child if they find out they are adopted at the wrong time.

My advice is to be open with your child from the very beginning rather than shocking them with it later.

There are more articles and more nuggets to make one pause and wonder about the agenda of the author(s). I’ll leave those for my curious readers to find.

The purpose of this article is to point out how the language we use surrounding adoption determines the impression we give to others, especially our children. They are not a commodity nor are open or closed adoptions a guarantee a child will grow up well-adjusted and happy about the course his life took after his birth. We need to be careful about what we say and how we say it.

Copyright © 2008 Becky Wilson. All Rights Reserved.

Photo credit: ĻiĻ Pië @ Flickr

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