Parenting After Adoption

Next in our back-to-school series is the issue of homework. Some kids are just natural born homework lovers. They’ll sit down right after school, get it done and do it with a giddy smile from the pleasure of it all. I have one of those.

Most kids will do their homework if they have to, need some parental supervision and will smile if the work comes easy to them and whine if it doesn’t. I have one of those. Most people reading this probably do as well.

Some kids will kick, scream, dig in heels and make a general nuisance of themselves in an effort to avoid homework at all costs. I used to have one of those full-time, but now he only behaves this way when we trigger a stressor. This may be true of children who have a traumatic past and older children adopted from another culture or country because of the stressful memories of previous trauma and/or the homework is extremely difficult.

A few kids will fight you tooth and nail on homework no matter what you do, but if you can at least reduce some of the stress for yourself, you will be more readily available to calm your child and, hopefully, not dread homework time. Here are some tips to help reduce the stress of homework in your family.

Begin by trying to make it as painless as possible for… you! Yes, you read that correctly. Make homework easier on you. Why? Because your child will feed off your stress. A child prone to feel stress will feel more stress if you’re stressed. Did I mention stress? None of us need any more than we already have in our lives. I am certain you can all agree with me there.

Get organized. Be it in/out trays, a filing box or a shoebox, find a place to put completed homework and homework that is in progress. Choose a place that is most comfortable for you and your child to work. The dining room table works best for my family, but if laying on the floor in the living room works for you and yours, do homework there. Keep a pencil sharpener, plenty of pencils, math manipulatives (i.e. beans, pebbles, coins, etc.), erasers, tape, paper clips and a stapler in a close, convenient location to where you will be doing homework.

Keep the sessions short. There is absolutely no reason why any child needs to spend more than 30 minutes a day on homework. Think about it. Your child has been in school for 6 hours. Why does he need another 1-2 hours of school? The work of childhood is play. Get as much done as you can for 30 minutes then set your child free to do his chores, play with his friends and just be a kid.

When my family switched to a 30-minutes maximum homework schedule, I was amazed by how much we were still able to accomplish. We didn’t get all of the homework completed every week for L, but we did a significant amount and our other children were able to complete all of their homework by Friday. Some of the homework L just plain doesn’t understand yet because he is still learning English and catching up in his cognitive skills, and his teachers understand. I just keep a log of the time spent and turn it in with the homework. Actually, I write directly on the homework.

Find out what is causing so much angst for your child regarding homework. Much to my shock and horror, L was afraid I would hit him for getting an answer wrong. Well, let’s see here… if that was MY fear, I would avoid it all costs, too! Let me clarify that L has never, ever been scolded, hit or had anything bad happen to him regarding a wrong answer in our family. E.v.e.r. Previous to joining our family is another animal altogether.

Help your child experience immediate success. You want to replace the negative feedback loops surrounding homework with positive feedback loops. Immediately success, no matter how small, will pay dividends in the long run. If she struggles with handwriting and you’re working on math, have her figure out the answer in a way that requires little or no writing. Then you write down the answer. Work on handwriting when you’re working on handwriting, not during other subjects. If your child falls apart at the sight of a full page worksheet, cut or fold it in half. Reading chapter books? Only read one chapter in a sitting.

Though I’m not a fan of reward system and charts, if you find it is successful in helping your child focus and stay on task for the 30-minute sessions, go for it. Remember not to nag or create any cause for a battle. If the reward system is turning into a battle, it is not working. You want the reward system to reduce the stress involved with homework.

Take an occasional day off. If your child has been working diligently for the last week or two or you just feel in your gut that a break is in order for either of you, go out for ice cream or spend some time boding as a family. Many children will keep plugging away if they know that occasionally you’ll surprise them with a fun break.

Remind your child what your expectations are each time, remembering to keep those expectations realistic. If you uncover a fear or stressor that needs to be addressed at the beginning of homework time, talk about that, too. Even though he knows that I am not going to hit him or get mad over a mistake, L still needs to hear that from me because the post-traumatic stress he experiences from his past.

If you routinely are unable to finish homework in the allotted time while working in 30-minute sessions each day, contact your child’s teacher immediately, especially if homework is a part of the overall grade. Explain the situation to the teacher and work out a plan. You may need to gently remind her of the affects previous trauma has on academic performance and behavior. If you don’t explain, she can not know there is a problem and that you are trying your best to work it out nor can she help you and your child.

Homework does not have to be a stressful, frustrating experience. I don’t believe any teacher intends for it to be a nightly battle between parent and child. Explain any changes to your child, assure him that you are trying to improve the situation and request his help in doing so.

Keep it fun, be consistent and work diligently for 30 minutes then put it away and walk away, physically and emotionally.

For more homework help and information try Scholastic’s Homework Hub or Discovery School’s Homework Helper.

More this Back-to-School series:

• YOU are Your Child’s Advocate
• Write a Letter to Your Child’s Teacher
• Anxiety in Adopted Children

Photo credit: stock.xchng

Copyright © 2007 Becky Wilson. All Rights Reserved.

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