Parenting After Adoption

Familial feelings and the feelings of love and adoration after adoption truly depend on the family dynamics as well as the child’s history and ability to adapt to life in a new family. It is not uncommon for a family to not feel like a family – to not feel bonded. There are a variety of reasons why this may happen, but often it is simply the fact that you can not expect yourself to immediately fall in love a perfect stranger.

Love at first sight does happen. If you are one of those families, hooray for you! For those who are struggling, know that you are not alone. Most parents feel too guilty and horrible to admit that they are struggling. They feel as if they are horrible for experiencing difficulty feeling undying love for the very child they sought out to bring into their family. My husband and I experienced such difficulties after Lucas arrived. We had prepared ourselves for every other situation we might experience, just not this one. We felt terrible, and I began to wonder if we were the right family for Lucas.

A friend gave me the best of all the advice we received about feeling that undying love and feeling like a family again. She said, “Becky, you just have to fake it until you make it.” Another friend often reminded me that love is a verb; it is an action we do. We love our children by feeding them well, helping them with their homework, making sure they get enough sleep, by cheering for them at their soccer games. There are so many ways to express our love through our actions, long before we feel it as an emotion.

As we continued to love Lucas with our actions, we eventually began to feel it, too. Matter-of-fact, it’s been a while since I thought about this subject before I thought to write about it today. I had many days, though, where my mantra was, “Fake it until you make it. Love is a verb.” I hated myself for it even though I knew it was not abnormal to struggle as we did. I was thrilled each time I began to feel adoration toward Lucas. It was fleeting until it finally became a constant.

In looking back, I realize that I always felt love for Lucas. The “mama bear” instinct came out for him as easily as was stimulated in behalf of my children born into our family. I realized that I loved Lucas all along. It was liking him that had to grow into fruition as I got to know him.

If you find yourself in this situation, here are some ideas:

• Find one person who loves and accepts you unconditionally, and seek them out for support.
• Remind yourself that while it may feel as if you are, you are not alone.
• Act out your love even if you don’t feel it yet.
• Find acts of service you can do for your child.
• Take advantage of respite care. It is vital to your ability as a parent to take time for yourself to rest and rejuvenate.
• If you are feeling depressed, seek professional help for yourself.

If it takes months or years to begin feeling deeply loving toward your child, whatever you do, don’t punish yourself. Devote yourself to your child and to her well-being. That is a what any great parent does for a child. That is love.

Some of the reading I found helpful are listed below. Each situation is unique so take the information that resonates with you and is helpful, ignore the rest.

Our Own by Trish Maskew
Parenting the Hurt Child by Gregory Keck & Regina M. Kupecky
Adoption Parenting by Jean MacLeod & Sheena Macrae
Beyond Good Intentions by Cheri Register

Related articles at Parenting After Adoption

ABCs of Adoption: A, part 4 (Marci)
Feeling Secure in the Summer (Rebecca)
Older Child Adoption (Category)

Copyright © 2007 Becky Wilson. All Rights Reserved.

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