Parenting After Adoption

Saturday evening one of our neighbors came over and asked if we wouldn’t mind feeding a stray kitten that showed up in their flowerbed that morning. They were leaving for a few days and didn’t want the little guy to go unattended. That night the rainfall was a torrential downpour. I was awake around 1:30 a.m. (as I am tonight) and wondered if I should go over to their driveway and try to capture him from under their car. My fear of stray dogs on our dark, dead-end road won out and I didn’t go.

The next morning he was wet, cold and shivering from both fear and a long, lonely night in the rain. We thought he might be feral because of the spunk and fight he gave us while trying to capture him. His “fight or flight” was a poignant reminder of L’s first days and weeks at home with us. For all L knew, we absconded with him and heaven only knew what we would do to him. He later told me that he feared each day that we were going to hurt him. When his sense of fear was overflowing, he would spit, scream, kick, bite, pinch, scratch and wail pitifully. It was truly heartbreaking. The memory still causes my eyes to well up with tears and my heart to ache.

Enter this little kitten, whom we are calling Oliver. In the earliest weeks, we feared that L might have an attachment disorder. Over time, though, we realized he was “simply” traumatized and terrified. Thirty-six hours ago, we thought Oliver was a feral kitten and we have been trying to get in touch with no-kill shelters to take him in because we felt it unwise to keep him when we have such young children who can be harmed by his behavior.

And yet, a part of me hasn’t been truly able to give up on him so soon. What if we had given up on L? We were never considering it, but what if we had? What if we said, “Gee, this is just too difficult.” and sent him on this way before giving him a chance? So I must admit that I haven’t tried terribly hard to find a place that will take Oliver.

In the meantime, I’ve been researching about feral kittens and how to tame them instead of researching and writing the articles I had intended to begin writing today. I sincerely apologize to my readers who are waiting for those articles. I will begin anew tomorrow.

I have learned that a young kitten born in the wild has a far greater chance of learning to trust than an older kitten born in the wild or an adult cat who has been born and raised in the wild or abandoned and turned feral for survival. And yet, the anecdotes abound for those who beat the odds that were stacked against them, becoming loving, contentedly happy kitties. While statistics may help to inform us and create an awareness, they are not the “end all, be all” of what will or will not happen in life to an individual.

As for Oliver, he is already learning to trust me. I read in one of the articles to be confident and deliberate in my actions so as not to appear fearful. After a few interactions, I realized that while Oliver will hiss at me and even growl at times, he won’t attack me so I began petting him in spite of his warnings to leave him alone. Instead of retreating, he obviously enjoys the contact and I continue to be persistent. He’s still terrified and when put back down on the floor, he scampers away into the little hideout I made for him in the bathroom. But he also doesn’t argue with me when I pick him up. Tonight he even sat in my lap to eat his dinner and while I monitored my kids as they brushed their teeth at bedtime.

While I do not in any way equate a “feral” kitten with a child experiencing attachment difficulties, I do recognize that there is still something to be learned from a frightened, traumatized kitten. Our fearful children need us to be strong, confident parents even if we have to “fake it until we make it.” It is through our example, our calm state, our patience and our persistence that they can begin to see us as parents who will nurture rather than harm thereby building a foundation of trust.

Articles I have written on the subject of fear and trauma in children affected by adoption:

Find the Root of the Fear

Hiking in Oregon

Fear & Parenting in General

Feeling Secure in the Summer

Book Review: Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control

Applying the Stress Model in Our Home

My “Fear” Epiphany

© Copyright 2007 Rebecca Wilson.  All Rights Reserved.
Used with permission.