Parenting After Adoption

I am going to tackle the don’ts today. For some reason I came up with a lot more of what not to do…

-Don’t ask about their fertility status. It is none of your business and for people who suffered from infertility, it is a very painful topic.
-Don’t tell them they will get pregnant after adopting. Many adoptive parents find this insulting. Personally, it makes me feel like my son was adopted as a fertility treatment. That is not true. He is not a means to an end. He is my child.
-Don’t ‘do them a favor’ by aksing them to baby-sit your kids. We don’t need practice any more than a pregnant woman does.
-Don’t tell the horror stories you have heard about adoption. Stop watching made for TV movies and if you do watch, realize they are fiction.
-Don’t ask stupid and personal questions about issues like how much the child will ‘cost’ or if the child will have ‘issues.’
-Don’t complain to us about your pregnancy. We may say we are fine and over it, but a lot of us are masking. We don’t want to hear you complain about the life growing within your body. Don’t tell us we are ‘lucky’ that we don’t have to experience all of that. (If I had a dollar for every time I was told I was ‘lucky’ not to be recovering for child birth in the first month I had my son, I would be a rich woman. I am so lucky. I never got to feel my son move within me. Just so lucky…)
-Don’t ask a family who already has kids why they need more. (Most of the time) this question is not asked of pregnant women, why adoptive?
-Don’t offer to be a surrogate. I had this happen. A relative wanted to be a surrogate for me. I did not move on to adoption as a very last means. If I had wanted to pursue surrogacy, I would have. This method was not second best for me. I chose adoption over fertility treatments.
-Don’t be upset if we avoid baby showers and functions with kids. One time while waiting I ran out of church in tears. There were too many families there with babies and all I wanted was to be a family. I avoided church after that…
-Don’t ask questions unless you really want the answers. We have done our research, we have reasons for our choices. If you are genuinely interested, ask. If you are being nosy, don’t ask. It is rude. I am more than happy to share my knowledge and experiences to those interested, but I get fed up with the looky-loos. We are not a traffic accident to gawk at.
-DO NOT treat us like saints. Don’t tell us we are such great people for doing this. (Although those adopting from foster care are a special brand of people in my book.) My personal belief is that most domestic infant adoption is done for selfish reasons. We adopted because we wanted to be parents. Sure, we can provide a great home for our son, but so could his first mom. We adopted for one reason: We are selfish and wanted to be parents. We are not saints. We are not great people for doing this. We are simply parents.

Next week I will move on to how to treat adoptive parents. There is a lot of overlap between prospective adoptive and adoptive parents. There are a few unique to each. Hope you all are enjoying this one and learning something, too!