Guilt Over Adopting
Most, if not all, moms feel guilty about one thing or another. It’s just the way we are. As an adoptive mom, though, I have felt more than just the typical mom guilt. I go through periods of guilt for adopting Lucas and for proceeding with adoptions for Rhett and Claudia.
All three of them have living mothers. All were relinquished by their mothers to their respective orphanages for the express purpose of adoption. All listed their reasons as extreme poverty. Were it not for the unrelenting lack of food and resources, would they have continued to raise their children themselves?
I firmly believe that adoption is not the answer for every child. Ideally, it would never be the answer for any child, but the sad truth is that for millions of children all over the world, their only hope is to be adopted or guardianship given to parents, who are not biologically related, to raise them to adulthood. They simply do not have time for policies and societal attitudes to change. We have to do something right now. Even if it is not the most ideal choices.
Because I just cannot stand that any parent should have to make an adoption plan for their child simply on the basis of lack of food, I feel guilty for being the adopter. Shouldn’t I have instead offered a way to support them instead of taking their children?
I wrestle with that question every day.
There are never any easy solutions. Matter-of-fact, at this point, all of the possibilities are insanely difficult, if not impossible. The familial circumstances are quite complex as well. If I felt we could be successful, I would attempt alternative solutions, but that day has not yet come.
In the meantime, I have been sponsoring a child in Haiti so that she can get an education and have a fighting chance. Not only to remain with her family in their village but also so she has the ability to provide for her own family when she is grown.
I also remind myself to enjoy the time I have with Lucas. He is here right now so I need to make the best of it by providing the best possible childhood for him that I can. If or when the day comes that he wants to return to Haiti, I’ll happily make the journey with him.
Copyright © 2008 Becky Wilson. All Rights Reserved.
adoptive parenting, parenting after adoption, choice in adoption, adopting in Haiti, Haitian adoption
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:57 pm
Oh, the mommy guilt… Take it times 10 for adoptive mommies. I too have felt full of guilt. After our first adoption, I did not think I would ever be able to do it again. But, I did a lot of soul searching and I tried to let go of the guilt. I am not forcing women to place. I am merely giving them another option. So, I did get it under control. (I will never comepletely let go of it.) And we adopted again. Our newest bundle is almost 3 months old!
June 7th, 2008 at 8:22 am
It stays with you, that’s for sure. I’m also angry at myself for being so ignorant, for not realizing how insurmountable the loss would be for my children’s parents, and for how difficult it would be for my children to live their lives between two families, one of whom they may never know.
June 11th, 2008 at 10:04 am
I had these same feelings when we were going through the adoption process. It seemed like we ought to be enabling the mother to support her family, not taking her children away.
Unfortunately, we didn’t know how to go about doing that. (And can I say that I think it is the mark of real love for a child when you are considering that option rather than your own needs?)