Due to the outages, I have been unable to post regularly.  Even if the blog loads, that doesn’t mean I can get into the control panel to publish entries.  Weird, I know!  But it’s true.

I’m trying to post when I can get in so stay tuned!

What I will never know is how it might feel to be adopted, how it might feel to be the lone dark-skinned child in family where everyone else has very light skin, or how it feels to be judged solely upon the color of my skin? Nor for the latter to be the source of being pre-judged by those around me.

That truly bothers me. How do I help my Haitian children learn to live in their skin and weather the storms in life that will come from racism if I have never lived it myself?

One might think my husband and I never gave this consideration before we adopted our Haitian children. As a matter-of-fact, it was a very serious consideration, and we nearly did not adopt at all because of it. Two things helped us move forward:

1. We were still naive about the reality of transracial adoption.
2. We decided living in a white family was better than languishing in an orphanage.

In spite of making valiant attempts to educate ourselves, we are still not as educated as we need to be. I devour everything I can get my hands on. I also talk to Lucas about it. I ask him how he feels, what he thinks, and if he has anything in particular he wishes I would or would not do or say. I want him to know he can talk to me about it. He rarely does. I am usually the one who brings up the subject. I wonder if it is because he knows I do not understand what life is like for him.

A few months ago, a mother I am acquainted with in the community mustered up the courage to ask me how we deal with race in our family. I panicked. Was she quizzing me to see if I am raising my son right?! I wish that were so. Why did I panic? Because she is of African decent and I am not. I learned during our conversation that she was adopted by a white family who never took her skin color and racial identity seriously. Not just from her point of view, she shared experiences that brought tears to my eyes.

I had hoped she would be able to offer advice to me, but the stories she shared simply will not happen in my family because we are kind and considerate of our children. Instead, she was asking me for advice in raising her 6-year-old daughter, who is asking questions about her own racial identity.

Though she hasn’t read the text that I have read, she has something I never will: experience. I offered the names of some books and assured her that she is welcome to talk to me anytime, but that’s all I could offer. I walked away from the experience with a heavy heart–for her and for my Haitian-born children.

Three recommended resources:

• Anti-Racist Parent (website)
• Inside Transracial Adoption (book)
• In Their Own Voices (book)

Copyright © 2008 Becky Wilson. All Rights Reserved.

Photo credit: Flickr Creative Commons

Most, if not all, children who are entering into a new family situation are scared and feel quite vulnerable. Seldom do they have a history with their new family. Even if they do, they rarely have the kind of history and experience necessary for a relationship of trust and security. Therefore, it is imperative that their entire family–but the parent(s) in particular–create an atmosphere that is conducive to the new child feeling safe. It it not until they begin to feel safe that they can begin to bond and learn to trust.

Here are some helpful tips that were invaluable for us when Lucas joined our family.

Keep your child within arms reach. It is not enough to keep him within both your sights. You need to be able to touch him and he you–every hour that you are both awake. If you sense your child is feeling frightened or he is acting out, you can immediately reassure him with a hand on his shoulder or a hug. This also helps to give a sense that you are not going to leave without him. Depending on your child’s age and needs, you might consider co-sleeping for a few weeks, either in your bed or his, or lying down with him as he falls asleep.

You and/or your spouse must meet every need. Nobody else is to hug, tickle, feed, or help her in any manner. Period. If exceptions must be make, don’t sweat it, but make every attempt to be her sole source of everything so she can learn time and again through out the day that you are there to care for her and she can trust you to do so. Adhere to this for as long as necessary.

Remove any opportunity for competition or rivalry among siblings. Children already in the home can be a helpful and unhelpful. They are helpful when siblings can be ready-made playmates, they can be examples of appropriate behavior, and your new child can observe your relationship for clues that she is safe. They are unhelpful when they compete with their new sibling or they exemplify negative behavior. Remember as well that the children already in the home will need your assurances, too.

Tell your child many, many times every day that you love him. You can never tell a child too often that he is loved and safe. Since your child has not been with you since birth, he has not basked in your love from the moment of his birth. For that matter, even your children born to you need continual reassurance throughout their lives. So say it again and again and again and again to all of your children. Every day.

Bringing a new child into your family is often with bumps in the road. It will take weeks or even months before your child begins to settle in and begins to trust. For some children, it may take years. Work diligently at creating an atmosphere of trust and security, but never rush the process.

Copyright © 2008 Becky Wilson. All Rights Reserved.

Photo credit: Flickr Creative Commons

The truth is that most birth mothers are in a situation where they believe—or they are led to believe—that they cannot or should not raise their child. They are girls and women who sacrifice themselves for what they believe is in the best interests of their child, whom they love beyond measure and mourn their loss.

All to often, I read and hear from women who are then told by individuals and society that from that moment on their loss is invalid, their child was never theirs, and they should just shut up and quit whining about it.

I am appalled by the number of people who believe it is their right to troll blogs and forums telling these women to stop talking and writing about their reactions, their feelings, and their grief. What right do any of us have to tell another how she should think or feel about any life experience?!

No matter the reason for her choice, when a mother decides to have another person raise her child, it is a loss that she must somehow live with for the rest of her life. We all deal with grief in our own unique way. Some overcome it quickly but most do not. It’s a lifetime of healing and learning to how to live in spite of the loss.

So be kind to these women whom we call birth moms. Remember that loss is loss and grief is grief no matter the reason. If you don’t like what they say in their blogs, don’t read them. If you want to read, refrain from criticizing them. You don’t have to agree, just be kind when you do.

Birth moms have a right to grieve and they have a right to do so in the way that is most cathartic for them.

Our previous blogger, Marci Spray, touched on this topic as well in her article, How to Treat Birth Mothers.

Copyright © 2008 Becky Wilson. All Rights Reserved.

Photo credit: kahanaboy @ morgueFile

birthmom, birth mom, birthmother, birth mother, first mom, firstmom, grief, loss, loss after adoption, grief after adoption, how to treat birth mothers

So what is a parent to do? Do we assume all is well until there is a fall out? Do we assume negative behavior is a sign of deep psychological or emotional trauma? In my opinion, we should assume all is not well until we can prove otherwise.

I’m not suggesting that we analyze everything our children do and assume that our children are living in perpetual trauma mode. Not at all! What I am suggesting, however, is that we remain acutely aware that normal is not always normal and negative is not always abnormal. I have assumed at times that Lucas is not thinking of his past simply because he is having a great day and full of smiles. I have assumed at times that Lucas is “acting out” because of past trauma. I have been wrong—on both counts.

But I have also been dead on correct. Many times.

Memories are triggered in the blink of an eye. Anniversary dates happen each year. Children wonder about their past, about their ancestry. We rarely can predict when these moments will arrive.

So when Lucas is pushing the boundaries of my patience or insisting that I love one child more than another, he could be acting as any other 8-year-old boy who feels slighted or left out. Or, he could be acting as a child who was left in the care of his extended family then later in an orphanage from where two strangers absconded with him one day so that he could live in their family.

Lucas told me that a lot of the time he isn’t thinking about his past or the trauma he experienced, but he does think of it often. He has also told me that a part of his ability to press forward and enjoy the life he is living now is because we are not afraid to answer the hard questions and we validate that, yes, some of the things that happened in his life are unfair and truly stink.

Copyright © 2008 Becky Wilson. All Rights Reserved.

adoptee, adoption, adoptive parenting, parenting after adoption, attachment disorder, attachment difficulties, parenting an adopted child, adopted child, adopted children, children affected by adoption

All three of them have living mothers. All were relinquished by their mothers to their respective orphanages for the express purpose of adoption. All listed their reasons as extreme poverty. Were it not for the unrelenting lack of food and resources, would they have continued to raise their children themselves?

I firmly believe that adoption is not the answer for every child. Ideally, it would never be the answer for any child, but the sad truth is that for millions of children all over the world, their only hope is to be adopted or guardianship given to parents, who are not biologically related, to raise them to adulthood. They simply do not have time for policies and societal attitudes to change. We have to do something right now. Even if it is not the most ideal choices.

Because I just cannot stand that any parent should have to make an adoption plan for their child simply on the basis of lack of food, I feel guilty for being the adopter. Shouldn’t I have instead offered a way to support them instead of taking their children?

I wrestle with that question every day.

There are never any easy solutions. Matter-of-fact, at this point, all of the possibilities are insanely difficult, if not impossible. The familial circumstances are quite complex as well. If I felt we could be successful, I would attempt alternative solutions, but that day has not yet come.

In the meantime, I have been sponsoring a child in Haiti so that she can get an education and have a fighting chance. Not only to remain with her family in their village but also so she has the ability to provide for her own family when she is grown.

I also remind myself to enjoy the time I have with Lucas. He is here right now so I need to make the best of it by providing the best possible childhood for him that I can. If or when the day comes that he wants to return to Haiti, I’ll happily make the journey with him.

Copyright © 2008 Becky Wilson. All Rights Reserved.

photo credit: Meralain

adoptive parenting, parenting after adoption, choice in adoption, adopting in Haiti, Haitian adoption

In many ways, he is doing great. His height and weight are well within the normal range for a boy his age, he is active in baseball and soccer, and he is improving academically by leaps and bounds. His English is nearly fluent for a child of his age. He states that he is truly happy here and has no regrets regarding his move from Haiti to America.

Of course, I would love to take all the credit for how well Lucas is doing, but a large portion must be given to his maternal grandfather, who raised Lucas until his death. It is obvious that Lucas was blessed with a loving relationship with his grandpa thereby providing him the vital attachments and relationship skills necessary for attachment once he arrived here.

Another large portion must be given to Lucas himself. Once the fog of depression began to fade and the grief began to subside, Lucas’ personality began to shine through. My, oh, my! Such a zest for life and a zany sense of humor in that precious little boy! He gives 200% in his school work, sports, and friendships. He is usually eager to help around the house, especially cooking dinner and feeding our dog. When Lucas smiles, his eyes sparkle, and when he laughs, all is right in the world.

That isn’t to say all is well and we are living a life of ease. It just means that Lucas has a found a happy place and does not live every moment of every day in the depths of despair. Reminders can cause him stress and anxiety, which causes less than pleasant behavior. Sometimes lasting for days or weeks. We make mistakes in how we handle said behavior. But! We have a large amount of successes, too.

That, in my opinion, makes up the remaining portion for why Lucas is mostly doing well. It may not last, but I’ll take it.

Copyright © 2008 Becky Wilson. All Rights Reserved.

Photo credits: Me! Copyright © 2007-2008 Becky Wilson.

T-shirt credit: Mandy’s Moon

adoption, parenting after adoption, adoptive parenting, adoptee, attachment, older child adoption, inter-country adoption, international adoption, transracial adoption, trans-racial adoption, transcultural adoption, trans-cultural adoption, grief and loss in adoption, attachment in adoption, post placement after adoption

When I went to read them for myself, I was shocked and saddened by the author’s choice of words and apparent attitude regarding adoption, moving me point out the negative attitude these articles exemplify, especially given they are on a website representing attorneys involved in adoption.

Some of the titles are only the beginning: Typical Open Adoption and Putting Your Child Up for Adoption

There is no such thing as a “typical” open adoption, just as there is no “typical” adoptive family or “typical” birth mother. Each child, each parent, each family, each situation are all unique and every agreement for openness varies by degrees from wide open to occasional letters and photos. The experiences vary widely, too.

The phrase “putting up” for adoption makes it sound like children are placed on the auction block to the nearest bidder. The problem with that phrase and idea is that there are still people in the world who do believe that!

Now the content . . .

In reference to open adoption:

Obviously, having the adoptive parents spend time with the biological parents might be an uncomfortable ordeal for everyone.

Why is this obvious? Who says it’s an ordeal? A large majority of the people I have talked to about meeting the parents–adoptive or biological–of their child(ren) is that it was a wonderful experience. None consider it an ordeal or something to endure.

Though, to their credit, they do point out how important it is to abide by the contract–at least for the biological or birth parents.

This schedule and set of rules is very important to the biological parents who have agreed to the open adoption. By not getting pictures when expected or missing phone calls, it can be very emotionally stressful.

Unfortunately, they fail to mention the importance of the open relationship for the child who is effected by this agreement.

That particular article then ends with a statement that suggest that parents who want to continue contact with their child after he is adopted is only interfering.

It is much easier for adoptive parents to really feel the child is their own if there is minimal interference from the biological parents but sometimes it just isn’t an option.

A child is not a piece of property that we can own. A child is a person who needs a family and good, strong parents to care for her. Unfortunately, not every parent can do this so there is a necessity for other parents to step in to fill the position. But this does not mean the the first parents need to be completely excluded, and it is not confusing to the children involved.

“Just isn’t an option” What do they mean by that?! There is an option. If you believe that you cannot parent a child whose family wants continued contact after placement, don’t do it!

In reference to closed adoption:

This has some benefits to the adoptive parents that other adoption choices don’t have. There is no dealing with the biological family and very little chance of a difficult situation arising in the future.

Apparently the author has never adopted a child. Even in the case of a child adopted as a newborn, “difficult situations” can easily arise. Especially in a closed adoption where there is little or no information about the child’s family of origin. A lot is left up to speculation and imagination.

There are lots of services and counseling options that can help a child if they find out they are adopted at the wrong time.

My advice is to be open with your child from the very beginning rather than shocking them with it later.

There are more articles and more nuggets to make one pause and wonder about the agenda of the author(s). I’ll leave those for my curious readers to find.

The purpose of this article is to point out how the language we use surrounding adoption determines the impression we give to others, especially our children. They are not a commodity nor are open or closed adoptions a guarantee a child will grow up well-adjusted and happy about the course his life took after his birth. We need to be careful about what we say and how we say it.

Copyright © 2008 Becky Wilson. All Rights Reserved.

Photo credit: ĻiĻ Pië @ Flickr

positive adoption language, adoption terminology, open adoption, semi-open adoption, visitation, adoption, inter-country adoption, international adoption, Haiti adoption, adoption in Haiti, adopting in Haiti, open adoption in international adoption, open adoption in inter-country adoption, first mothers, first fathers, first families, biological mother, biological father, biological family, adoptive mother, adoptive father, adoptive families, adoptee

I am not a saint!

As soon as people learn that Lucas was born in another country or that we adopted him at 5 years old or that we are adopting again in Haiti, more often than not, they launch into a spiel about my husband and I being saints and how fortunate our children are that we adopted them.

I just offer a polite smile and allow them to prattle on but I really want to say:

Well, actually, he is not lucky to have us. One day he was living with his family in Haiti and the next he was taken to an orphanage. Not long after that, strangers came and took him on a big airplane to fly to another country. I barely spoke his language and everything about his new home was very strange and scary. Where’s the good fortune there?

I am definitely not a saint. I have yelled at my kids, freaked out about something that really wasn’t worth the reaction I gave it, and fed my children cereal for dinner just minutes before bedtime. I throw tantrums when things don’t go my way, I snap at my husband and kids when I’m tired or overwhelmed. I am definitely not saint material.

I never say it because the socially acceptable response is to smile politely and give them the benefit of the doubt as well-meaning people.

Lately I have been wondering, “What is the message they are sending to my children?”

Are those born to me less fortunate? Should my adopted children feel eternally grateful that my husband and I adopted them? Is America inherently better than Haiti?

The answer is plain and simple: no.

Having a family and a life here is not inherently better than the life Lucas may have led with his family in Haiti had the chain of events in his life kept him there. Therefore, it is my opinion that he is not more fortunate to be here rather than there, and we are not saints for offering our hearts and home to him.

Copyright © 2008 Becky Wilson. All Rights Reserved.

Photo credit: PD Photo

adoption, inter-country adoption, international adoption, Haiti adoption, adoption in Haiti, adopting in Haiti, adoptive mother, adoptive father, adoptive families, adoptee

Lucy went to her new home four and a half months before Lucas arrived here. Her mother kept us up-to-date with letters and photos. She even told me once that Lucy often asked about me. Once Lucas was home, I began sharing updates as well, and I assumed everything was going well.

Then one day all communication on their end stopped. Did I say something wrong? Was Lucy having a difficult time with the contact? Were they simply busy? I have no idea.

I know there was no contract legally binding them to keep in contact with us. Nor did they ever say, “I promise to . . .” However, it was implied and I assumed our relationship would be long-term.

Consequently, I feel betrayed and heartbroken–as does Lucas. He has not seen his sister in three years yet he continues to think of her every day, cherishes the few photos we have, and talks about their time together. He wants her to be a part of his life no matter how many miles are between them. We can only wonder how his sister might feel.

Just as any relationship has it’s great times and rough times, so does an open adoption relationship. For most, open adoption is a new kind of relationship so families are often navigating in uncharted territory. It can get confusing and uncomfortable, but do not lose sight of why you are working at the relationship: for the best interests of your child. For that reason, all parties need to work through their discomfort. You cannot give up simply because the relationship gets tough.

If you are a pre-adoptive parent at this reading and you just don’t see yourself reaching beyond your own discomfort to work at an open relationship with your child’s family of origin, do not agree to one.

If you already have your child home and you made promises, keep them. If you already broke them, find a way to make amends. It’s never too late.

I am sure there are some situations that truly warrant a break in the relationship. I’m speaking of circumstances where the child is safe and the lines of communication are open (or can be opened) between families.

For more information about open adoption:

Open Adoption @ Under One Roof

Open Adoption @ Adoption Blogs

Copyright © 2008 Becky Wilson. All Rights Reserved.