Explaining Your Child’s Adoption History
The other day, during a conversation on another topic Lucas said to me, “You left me that day!” He and I both knew exactly what he was talking about. It was the day I left Haiti after my visit in February 2005. When Lucas is very upset with me, he doesn’t remind me that I am not the mother who gave birth to him. Instead, he reminds me that I left him after my visit. I don’t see this as a way to be vindictive, though. I view these moments as Lucas lashing out in fear that I will leave him again. Forever.
Each time it comes up, I stop whatever I’m doing and I address his fears. I soften everything about me: my voice, my facial expression, my body language, everything; then I draw Lucas close to me and we talk. When this happened the other day, I asked him if he understood why I had to leave him in Haiti after my visit. Much to my amazement, he said through his tears, “No!” I thought he did! We have talked about it on many occasions. I even showed him the adoption papers.
What I failed to remember during all those discussions was that Lucas was still learning English, his cognitive abilities were still catching up to his chronological age, and he was still learning to trust me. It is safe to assume he probably did not understand my explanation of the paperwork nor the significance of it. My 4-year-old doesn’t understand what a signature is and why one would be important. Lucas arrived here at about the developmental level of a 3-year-old so he couldn’t possibly understand, even in his first language.
It has been a year since we looked at all the paperwork together. In that time, Lucas’s cognitive development, acquisition of the English language and understanding of American culture have all grown by leaps and bounds He understands far more now, and he has had many life experiences to draw from that he did not have before.
We sat down with the relinquishment document, the adoption decree, the approval from the Haitian social services and other papers associated with his adoption. I could tell from Lucas’ questions that he now has the ability to understand at least why I couldn’t take him with me. He has learned what a permission slip is at school, and he now understands dates and the calendar. I was able to show Lucas the date I left Haiti and the dates the paperwork were signed as well as the signatures.
We can not assume that our children understand when we tell them about the story of their adoption. It may take hundreds of explanations before they begin to understand even a part of it. They need us to patiently explain. Again and again and again and again. They need us to listen to them and to be willing and available to talk about the difficult topics no matter the pain they may cause even us. Our children depend on us to be honest, compassionate and strong. It may not always be convenient, but it is vital to their well-being. It is part of our job as adoptive parents.
Related Articles in Parenting After Adoption:
Applying the Stress Model in Our Home
Copyright © 2007 Becky Wilson. All Rights Reserved.
older child adoption, inter-country adoption, adoption history, adoption story, talking to your child about adoption, grief and loss in adoption, attaching in adoption, attachment, answering your adopted child’s questions about adoption, explaining adoption
September 28th, 2007 at 4:23 pm
So true.
October 1st, 2007 at 2:31 pm
Thanks for the feedback, Rhonda. I sure appreciate it!