Parenting After Adoption

Lucas was given an assignment last year in school that required him to decorate a half-sheet of poster board with something about his life. Photos, drawings, writing, stickers, etc. were acceptable. It just had to be about him. I explained the assignment then left him to ponder what he wanted to put on his poster.

Because we adopted out of birth order, Lucas has a brother in the same grade. His brother was completing the same assignment.

I was aware of the fact that we don’t have any photos or momentos of Lucas’ babyhood and early childhood. We believe he was 3 or 4 years old in his passport photo, but nothing earlier. Lucas’ brother is my son by birth so we obviously have oodles of photos from the first moments since his birth. I was fully aware of the emotions and trauma Lucas could experience if Kale put those types of photos and momentos on his poster. Therefore, I planned to steer Kale away from them and toward family and personal photos from experiences after Lucas joined our family.

Since I was not sure what Lucas was thinking, I did not say anything to him about my thoughts and intentions. I did not want to put thoughts in his head that were not there already. So I said nothing and Lucas spent the week stewing about the baby photos that Kale might put on his poster.

When we sat down to put together the posters, Lucas began “acting out” with his behavior and attitude. Once it became clear that this would only escalate, we pulled him away from the activity. After time spent throwing a tantrum, he settled into my arms and began to talk through his tears about how much he hated that we tell people he was born in Haiti and how angry he felt about the fact that Kale had baby pictures to put on his poster.

We validated and discussed his grievances, which included an explanation that I was aware that the baby photos might cause him some pain and planned to steer Kale away from those types of things for his poster. He eventually wiped away his tears and rejoined his brother at the dining room table. They spent the evening happily creating their works of art.

The point of this story?

Communication.

What if I had told Lucas from the beginning that I was aware of the emotions he might feel about the assignment and Kale’s potential choices? What if I had assured him several days before we sat down to complete the assignment? We could have saved an hour of the evening for more fun moments and far less pain and grief.

This was not the only experience where hindsight proved that communication pays dividends. As I write more about communicating with our children affected by adoption, I will share more anecdotes and learning experiences.

Communication is the key to facilitating healthy attachment, overcoming obstacles, and helping our children heal from trauma. It may not be easy, but it is worth the time and effort. Lucas is living proof of that, and I’ll share more on Monday.

Copyright © 2008 Becky Wilson. All rights reserved.

Adoption, Attachment in Adoption, Grief and Loss in Adoption, Older Child Adoption, Communication, Parenting after Adoption, Adoptive Parenting