Parenting After Adoption

Presumably due to their size and age, many people believe that an older child slips right into the family and the family can carry on with business as usual. It is easy to fall into this type of thinking since they are not one hundred percent dependent on their parent(s) for every need as newborns and infants do. This is even more so when the child joining the family is more than five years old.

Most, if not all, children who are entering into a new family situation are scared and feel quite vulnerable. Seldom do they have a history with their new family. Even if they do, they rarely have the kind of history and experience necessary for a relationship of trust and security. Therefore, it is imperative that their entire family–but the parent(s) in particular–create an atmosphere that is conducive to the new child feeling safe. It it not until they begin to feel safe that they can begin to bond and learn to trust.

Here are some helpful tips that were invaluable for us when Lucas joined our family.

Keep your child within arms reach. It is not enough to keep him within both your sights. You need to be able to touch him and he you–every hour that you are both awake. If you sense your child is feeling frightened or he is acting out, you can immediately reassure him with a hand on his shoulder or a hug. This also helps to give a sense that you are not going to leave without him. Depending on your child’s age and needs, you might consider co-sleeping for a few weeks, either in your bed or his, or lying down with him as he falls asleep.

You and/or your spouse must meet every need. Nobody else is to hug, tickle, feed, or help her in any manner. Period. If exceptions must be make, don’t sweat it, but make every attempt to be her sole source of everything so she can learn time and again through out the day that you are there to care for her and she can trust you to do so. Adhere to this for as long as necessary.

Remove any opportunity for competition or rivalry among siblings. Children already in the home can be a helpful and unhelpful. They are helpful when siblings can be ready-made playmates, they can be examples of appropriate behavior, and your new child can observe your relationship for clues that she is safe. They are unhelpful when they compete with their new sibling or they exemplify negative behavior. Remember as well that the children already in the home will need your assurances, too.

Tell your child many, many times every day that you love him. You can never tell a child too often that he is loved and safe. Since your child has not been with you since birth, he has not basked in your love from the moment of his birth. For that matter, even your children born to you need continual reassurance throughout their lives. So say it again and again and again and again to all of your children. Every day.

Bringing a new child into your family is often with bumps in the road. It will take weeks or even months before your child begins to settle in and begins to trust. For some children, it may take years. Work diligently at creating an atmosphere of trust and security, but never rush the process.

Copyright © 2008 Becky Wilson. All Rights Reserved.

Photo credit: Flickr Creative Commons