Parenting After Adoption

Presumably due to their size and age, many people believe that an older child slips right into the family and the family can carry on with business as usual. It is easy to fall into this type of thinking since they are not one hundred percent dependent on their parent(s) for every need as newborns and infants do. This is even more so when the child joining the family is more than five years old.

Most, if not all, children who are entering into a new family situation are scared and feel quite vulnerable. Seldom do they have a history with their new family. Even if they do, they rarely have the kind of history and experience necessary for a relationship of trust and security. Therefore, it is imperative that their entire family–but the parent(s) in particular–create an atmosphere that is conducive to the new child feeling safe. It it not until they begin to feel safe that they can begin to bond and learn to trust. (more…)

As an adoptive parent, I often find it difficult to distinguish normal childhood behavior from that of a difficulty with attachment or behavior resulting from fear or insecurity. During the earliest weeks and months after Lucas joined our family, it was easy to tell the difference. Not so much now that he has been with us for over two and a half years and has a wide range of normal or typical behavior of children his age.

So what is a parent to do? Do we assume all is well until there is a fall out? Do we assume negative behavior is a sign of deep psychological or emotional trauma? In my opinion, we should assume all is not well until we can prove otherwise. (more…)

Most, if not all, moms feel guilty about one thing or another. It’s just the way we are. As an adoptive mom, though, I have felt more than just the typical mom guilt. I go through periods of guilt for adopting Lucas and for proceeding with adoptions for Rhett and Claudia.

All three of them have living mothers. All were relinquished by their mothers to their respective orphanages for the express purpose of adoption. All listed their reasons as extreme poverty. Were it not for the unrelenting lack of food and resources, would they have continued to raise their children themselves? (more…)

Now that Lucas has been a member of our family for two and a half years, we receive a lot of inquiries regarding his adjustment and growth.

In many ways, he is doing great. His height and weight are well within the normal range for a boy his age, he is active in baseball and soccer, and he is improving academically by leaps and bounds. His English is nearly fluent for a child of his age. He states that he is truly happy here and has no regrets regarding his move from Haiti to America. (more…)

Though annoyed, I am usually tolerant of articles that use inappropriate references to adoption because the authors usually seem well-meaning albeit ignorant, but the adoption articles on this lawyer website are just plain negative. I learned of them here.

When I went to read them for myself, I was shocked and saddened by the author’s choice of words and apparent attitude regarding adoption, moving me point out the negative attitude these articles exemplify, especially given they are on a website representing attorneys involved in adoption. (more…)

Lucas has a younger sister by birth, whom I will call Lucy. Due to circumstances beyond our control–and believe me, we tried–they were referred to different families in different countries. As soon as we learned about Lucy, we requested contact with her adoptive family, which they happily accepted

Lucy went to her new home four and a half months before Lucas arrived here. Her mother kept us up-to-date with letters and photos. She even told me once that Lucy often asked about me. Once Lucas was home, I began sharing updates as well, and I assumed everything was going well. (more…)

On Wednesay evening there was a tragic accident at the home of Steven and Mary Beth Chapman. Their youngest daughter, Maria Sue, was hit by a car in their driveway and died hours later as a result of her injuries. Reports say it was one of her brothers who did not see her as he was backing out of their driveway

Maria Sue had celebrated her 5th birthday less than two weeks before her death. She is the youngest of six children in the Chapman family. Steven is a well-known award-winning Christian music artist. He and Mary Beth adopted Marie Sue and two of her sisters in China. After their first adoption, they founded Shaohanna’s Hope to provide grants to help offset the costs of adoption fees for families (more…)

One topic that comes up among all members of the triad is who is the “real mother” for the child(ren) in question. Is she the woman who gave the child life? Is the woman who is there day to day to care for the child more real than the one who is not? Does a woman without contact with her child have a right to call herself his mother? Who is the real mom?

Everyone has their opinion. I have my opinion, and, yes, I’m going to share it with you. (more…)

Parenting in general requires that we communicate effectively with our children. Parenting children affected by adoption requires even more. Not just for the children who were adopted but also for the children in your family who were born into your family.

Through a chain of circumstances, Lucas lost members of his family, leading his mother to place him in the orphanage so that he could be adopted. My children did not give that much thought until Lucas arrived. His arrival and grief brought their own fears to the surface. What if they lost their family? (more…)

Lucas was given an assignment last year in school that required him to decorate a half-sheet of poster board with something about his life. Photos, drawings, writing, stickers, etc. were acceptable. It just had to be about him. I explained the assignment then left him to ponder what he wanted to put on his poster.

Because we adopted out of birth order, Lucas has a brother in the same grade. His brother was completing the same assignment. (more…)

When my husband and I prepared for adding to our family through older child adoption, we did our homework by talking honestly with other families, who had experienced a wide variety of scenarios, as well as reading, reading, and reading. Just as we did when preparing for the birth of our first child.

As with our daughter’s birth, our son’s homecoming was not quite as we had envisioned. Though we certainly knew better than to expect sunshine and roses, we were not fully prepared for the raging rawness of our son’s grief. And though it was spelled out plainly in the books and we were certain we understood, the reality of living with a child experiencing attachment difficulties and fear was a whole new experience. (more…)

There are so many places I can go with this blog. When I stop to ponder just how many, I feel overwhelmed with the enormity of it. I also feel excited. In the weeks that I considered whether to return, I began a list of possible topics. Now I simply need to get busy researching and writing.

To begin, here is my vision for Parenting after Adoption. (more…)

If you need to travel more than a few hours away to bring your child home, here is a list of items you may want to bring with you. (more…)

My view of adoption is still forming. What I once thought of adoption and what I think now are quite different. I once thought that Lucas was always supposed to be our son; he merely needed to go through Haiti first. I now believe that it is truly unfortunate that he was not able to remain with his first family. (more…)

The other day, during a conversation on another topic Lucas said to me, “You left me that day!” He and I both knew exactly what he was talking about. It was the day I left Haiti after my visit in February 2005. When Lucas is very upset with me, he doesn’t remind me that I am not the mother who gave birth to him. Instead, he reminds me that I left him after my visit. I don’t see this as a way to be vindictive, though. I view these moments as Lucas lashing out in fear that I will leave him again. Forever. (more…)