Parenting After Adoption

A couple of months after I realized that fear was a common denominator to the difficulty L was having with attachment and trust, another adoptive mom and friend told me about Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control: A Love Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children with Severe Behaviors by B. Bryan Post, PhD, LCSW and Heather T. Forbes, LCSW. I listened to her talk about the information in the book and how her family had been successfully applying the approach with their children.

SYNOPSIS: The basic premise of the book is that traditional attachment therapy is not achieving the desired results because it is only treating the behavior of children with difficulty attaching and trusting. The authors theorize that behavior does not change until the therapy and parenting approach addresses the root of the behavior. The root, they say, is fear and stress caused by negative feedback loops from previous trauma or life experiences. When the fear and stress can be relieved, the child is shifts into a regulated state where s/he can learn to trust and attach thereby diminishing or eliminating the behaviors traditional therapy seeks to extinguish.

BOOK OUTLINE: The book is divided into three major parts with an epilogue and list of recommended reading.

In Part One, the reader is introduced to the “new view” with a look at the various parts of the brain, how stress and trauma affect the brain and explain their Stress Model, which is “a regulatory theory of behavior that is based on findings from the field of neurophysiology and studies regarding affect” (page 6). They explain that there are only two primary emotions, love and fear, outline “four key principles” and encourage the readers to study the principles and internalize them.

Part Two is comprised of chapters specific to common behaviors exhibited by children experiencing difficulty with attachment and trust, such as lying and controlling behaviors. Each chapter is broken down into the “traditional view” and the “new view” on the behavior. Each chapter ends with a scenario that could easily happen in real life then they look at it from a traditional point of view and the point of view of a the Stress Model.

Part Three is a compilation of real-life stories written/shared by real life families who apply the theories and Stress Model outlined by Post & Forbes.

WHAT MAKES IT STAND OUT: Well, besides the fact that it’s a new point of view on an old theme, it does not only talk about our children’s behavior and the reasons behind what they do. The authors also point out that our own negative reactions to our children are because of the fears inside us caused by negative feedback loops of our own, which many, if not all, find to be cathartic and healing. On parent nailed it on the head when she stated, “Once I realized the source of my anger and fear, I was able not only to change, but also to find healing from the deep wounds of my children. It wasn’t about going back and blaming my parents or siblings, but simply understanding who I was and who I’d become as an adult.”

WHERE TO FIND IT: Most libraries should have it, and if your library doesn’t, suggest to them they that include a copy (or two or three) in their collection. You can purchase the book at the authors’ two websites: Beyond Consequences or Post Institute. You can also purchase it through Amazon.

Tomorrow I will share my family’s experience internalizing the key principles and applying the Stress Model.

© Copyright 2007 Rebecca Wilson.  All Rights Reserved.
Used with permission.

Beyond Consequences, attaching in adoption, grief and loss in adoption, Bryan Post