Parenting After Adoption

Though Beyond Consequences (BCLC) talks about a parenting approach I had stumbled into on my own, I was initially skeptical. I had read so many books and heard so many theories regarding the parenting and therapy approaches attachment-challenged children require. None of them truly resonated with me, but I decided that if they were so popular among the adoptive parent crowd, perhaps I needed to jump in with both feet and apply the principles anyway.

The result of this decision was not what I expected. Instead of L learning to trust me more and diminishing his negative behaviors, he became more agitated and I became an angry, punitive parent, not only toward L but toward my other children as well. None of us were happy and we were not having any luck finding an attachment therapist in our area. When we proceeded with L’s adoption, we thought we had one that would work out well, but we discovered too late that he wasn’t as educated in parenting adopted children as we thought.

I put away the books, I stopped posting on the adoptive parenting message boards (though I was still reading), and I prayed with all I was worth for answers and help because there didn’t seem to be anything else I could do. After our worst month since the first month L was home with us, I discovered the “fear theory,” as I liked to called it. Shortly thereafter, I learned of the BCLC book. I had committed myself to stop reading parenting books but decided one more couldn’t hurt.

This is a book that I wish I had read before L ever joined our family. Had I been privy to the theories, resources and information provided by BCLC and the corresponding website, we would have avoided many of the mistakes we made in the beginning, and we would be a lot farther ahead now. When pondering which book to review first, I decided that every parent, whether they have adopted a child or not, can benefit from the book and the information it imparts.

I will admit that the Stress Model can be a major paradigm shift for many parents. It certainly was for my family! We keep working every day toward internalizing the concepts and applying them in our family’s lifestyle. Initially it was very difficult. We were concerned that L would not learn the consequences of his behavior if we ignored the behavior in favor of addressing his fears. We also feared that he would use the “system” to manipulate us.

What we have learned in the last year is that after we help L to shift from a “fight or flight” state of mind into a more regulated state, we can then address the behavior and the natural consequences. It is not an overnight process; we’re still working it all out, but that’s the way parenting works. We don’t teach any of our children everything there is to learn in a year, and the same is true for a child affected by adoption and trauma. It’s a step-by-step, one-foot-in-front-of the other process throughout our/their entire lives.

Tomorrow, I will share some real life scenarios from my own family chronicles.

© Copyright 2007 Rebecca Wilson. All Rights Reserved.
Used with permission.

older child adoption, grief and loss in adoption, attaching in adoption, Beyond Consequences, Bryan Post